How to Do it Wrong


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Name: Fniff Meets The World Of Darkness, Chapter One.

Author: Fniff

Involving: Agent Fniff.

Themes: Action, World Of Darkness. Non-Canon

Notes: Bright, you are going to kill me for this, aren't you? -Fniff.

Story: Agent Fniff was going on a mission. Get a newly classified SCP out of someone's possession. The SCP is question is a reality warping one. Some sort of rock that allows you to shift the world to your desires, but it doesn't account for the fact you go completely insane afterwards, when it is finished. It was kinda stupid that way.

They were outside the house and Agent Fniff went though the plan.

"Alright, we go in, shake our guns around and get the thing out of the person's hands. Any questions?" Fniff asked. He was the leader for now. They thought he was best for this type of mission.

"Uh, yeah. Who are those guys?" Agent Ryan asked, pointing at the multiple armed men kicking in the front door.

"Hey! Who are you?" Agent Fniff yelled at them.

"Task Force: Valkyrie! We do this crap for a living!" One of them answered.

"No you don't! I do! We are the SCP Foundation! We deal with stuff only from creepypasta!" Agent Fniff replied.

"What the hell is creepypasta?" They finally stopped kicking in the door and came over.

"I don't know, but it sure is better then what you do!" Agent Fniff said. "Anyway, we Secure, Contain and Protect."

"Well, we shoot things, as far as I am concerned. Now run along. We don't want anyone interfering with top secret government operations." The man replied.

"Hey! We have more funding then you could dream of from the government!" Agent Fniff shouted.

"Oh yeah? We get 50 million a year!" The Man shouted back.

"Hah! We get 1 million a week!" Agent Fniff rolled his eyes.

"Oh, that'd be enough to make a nursery for the crap we deal with." The Man smirked.

"Pathetic! We deal with shit you would scream and run away from! Imagine a thing that's unkillable and very nasty! We get that every day!" Agent Fniff screamed back.

"Hey, smart asses. The vampire is escaping." One of the Task Force men said.

"Wait, a vampire?" Agent Fniff realized. "Ah, Fuck! We went to the wrong house!"

"Well, I see you are very good at finding things." The Man laughed and walked away.

"DAMMIT! Alright, everyone. If you meet anyone with that same armor, ever, punch him or her in the face. We just got a business rival." Agent Fniff sighed.

"How does the government keep up with this whole conspiracies thing? The national spending rate would be 50 quadtrillion! Where do they get the money—" Agent Green was interrupted by Agent Fniff.

"A SCP did it. Now shut up. I think I have an idea."

SCP-2041-J under operation by Agent Strelnikov during incident 2041-J-A (see addendum)

Item #: SCP-2041-J


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2041-J is to be kept in a bunker built underneath Fort Knox. The only possible method of opening the three-meter-thick titanium blast door is to place a DNA sample from SCP-073 into the biometric locking mechanism.

Description: SCP-2041-J is a standard humvee, with a few modifications; the minor modifications include a significantly improved engine, tires which never deflate or pop, and an inexhaustible supply of fuel. The major modification, however, is a launching mechanism built onto the aft end.

When brought near any model of track-based military armored vehicle, it will immediately scoop up said vehicle. The operator may then acquire a target from a viewscreen inside the vehicle, and depress the comically large ‘fire’ button located on the console. SCP-2041-J will then launch the entrapped vehicle to the location designated as the target with absolute unerring accuracy.

Testing has shown that every kilogram of the vehicle launched will detonate upon impact as if it were an equal amount of military-grade plastic explosive (C-4). If the launched vehicle has any form of ammunition inside of it, said ammunition will detonate with the force of an equivalent mass of U-235, in a method similar to a fission bomb detonation.

Addendum-204-1-J: Agent Dmitri Strelnikov is not to be allowed within twenty fifty one hundred kilometers of Fort Knox. Should he come within this hundred-kilometer area around Fort Knox, an XK-class end-of-the-world scenario is to be declared imminent, and all efforts are to be concentrated on keeping him away from the SCP.

Incident Report-2041-J-A: Agent Strelnikov volunteered to test SCP-2041-J upon its acquisition. The moment he entered, he immediately experienced an 'epiphany', and drove SCP-2041-J to a local WW2 historical museum. Entering a restoration garage, he drove 2041-J near to a German ‘Tiger’, and 2041-J scooped it up. Almost immediately, the tank was launched at [REDACTED] kilometers per hour, and disappeared over the horizon. He promptly repeated this process with two other tanks in the restoration garage.

Minutes later, a report from [REDACTED] News Network indicated that three large explosions had occurred in the Republic of Chechnya, killing ████ people and wounding far more. Agent Strelnikov was subdued when Agent [REDACTED] lured him out of SCP-2041-J with a bottle of vodka.

In which yoric is actually a pretty nice guy. This is such a terrible idea.

Look, I know this is mostly for wiki-related idiocy, but GOOD GOD LOOK AT THIS AD CHARACTER SHEET:
(extraneous crap trimmed)

Name: Dr. Milton

Position: Doctor/researcher

Addendum 1-A: Inventory of Possessions

Glasses, custom design.
Hentai comics.

Addendum 1-B: Inventory of Equipment

9mm Pistol (for defense)
Security Clearance Card (emergencies only)

Addendum 2-A: Notable Character Traits

Good sense of humor.
Very devoted to his work.
Can be romantic when the need arises

Addendum 2-B: Notable Character Flaws

He is still a virgin.
He is a chronic masturbator, and that usually gets in the way of his work.
Is scared easily, especially around Keter classes.

Addendum 3-A: Personnel History

Dr. Milton ■■■■■■■ was born in St. Charles, Missouri. When he got out of college, he attempted to land a job at NASA, but when a black van started chasing him, those dreams were shattered. When he came to, he was at the SCP foundation. He has taken this life changing event surprisingly well, although he still has nightmares about what could've been.

Item #: SCP-997
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: Access to SCP-997 is unauthorised to agents under level 2 without special permissions from Dr. Adrian █████.
Subject is to be kept in 25 x 25 metre, multi layered containment cell. Cell can be furnished with any items that subject already owns or any authorised requested items provided they are not electronic. Locks not required on doors, however, containment area should be patrolled 24/7 by at least five (5) guards armed with class 3, non electrical weapons and equipment. All electrical equipment is unauthorised within ██ metres of cell block. If subject is found outside the bounds of containment area then he is to be escorted calmly but firmly back into holding area.
Violence is not recommended for use against subject. However, if subject becomes hostile, use of non-lethal force is authorised until subject is subdued. Personnel are advised against attempts to subdue SCP-997 without assistance.
Description: SCP-997 Is appears to be a Caucasian male, roughly 19 years of age, Stands 5'7, weighs 58kg. Subject has unusually pale skin and appears to have a severe melanin deficiency. Hair is of an unnaturally black tone and appears strangely well kept.
Subject has a generally stable personality, speaks calmly in notably proper English and happily converses with and answers questions of interviewers. Subject has expressed affection to both male and female members of staff and has formed a bond with Dr. Adrian █████. However, subject insists on wearing a full face white cardboard mask with a wide grin, blacked out eye-sockets and various unintelligible symbols scrawled on it at all times, If mask is removed, subject will become highly aggressive and agitated, will attack and scream at any nearby personnel and attempt to cover his face by any means necessary. If subject remains unmasked, he will become increasingly aggressive and vicious, resulting in the near-death and severe injury of Agent ███████. While in this aggressive state, subject appears resistant to shock and pain. Pepper spray, blunt force and tranquilizer guns had little effect on SCP-997 in this state. Subject was eventually restrained by three (3) class █ agents, but remained highly aggressive and agitated until his mask was returned.
Reason for hiding face remains unknown. Subjects face appears normal with no signs of any deformities or blemishes that could have resulted in the desire to hide the face. On-site medical physician Dr. Carol ███████ described SCP-997's facial features to be "Actually quite handsome" and expressed confusion as to why SCP-997 insists on hiding it.
When questioned on this, subject became unresponsive and agitated. Further questioning resulted in SCP-997 screaming "It hides me from [DATA EXPUNGED]!" before hurling a chair across the room and screeching. Subject was then subdued by SCP agents and quickly calmed down once again, returning to a docile state. Subject only removes mask to eat or drink, demands privacy when performing these actions and will starve and dehydrate himself if denied this privacy.
Subject appears to radiate a natural electromagnetic pulse in a 20 meter radius. Any electronic equipment entering this field will begin to behave erratically, malfunction, or cease to function entirely. At a distance of 5 meters or less, data on computer chips or USB hard drives becomes corrupted. Digital video, audio and imagery will become distorted or degraded. Any electronic device touched by SCP-997 will short circuit instantly. This has made recording and profiling SCP-997 difficult as all records must be made with pen and paper before being manually converted to digital form for use in databases. In addition, electronic weaponry such as tazers and MPR emitters cannot be used on SCP-997.
SCP-997 also appears to have some method of short-range teleportation. Subject has appeared outside his containment cell on several occasions, but shows no objection to returning and appears to have no intention to escape, claiming he feels "comfortable" in the containment cell. When questioned about his ability, Subject responds with confusion and apparent ignorance, stating he simply "goes where he wants to go" and offering no further information. Persistent questioning on the subject lead to SCP-997 becoming agitated, followed by [DATA EXPUNGED].
Discovery: Subject was discovered in an abandoned warehouse near East █████, ████ █████████ At 5:42pm, July █, 200█. Residents near the area had reported strange electrical problems, odd sounds and a large number of ████████ and ██████ in the surrounding area. Local law enforcement were able to trace the source of the electrical disturbance into a secluded room of the warehouse. SCP-997, who, when asked his name, referred to himself as "Nobody" had reportedly taken the room up as his own. Police officers attempted to arrest SCP-997, but reported feeling major headaches and visual impairment when coming close. One officer Richard ██████ managed to secure SCP-997, however, the subject reportedly "Vanished" from the officer's grip before appearing in a room several meters away. Subject was eventually apprehended by all █ officers and held in custody. Attempts to remove SCP-997's mask in this period of time proved fruitless. SCP agents were eventually dispatched to take control of subject.
Addendum: In warehouse room, following items were found and confiscated:
• Twelve (12) packets of dried food such as potato crisps, canned beans, chocolate bars and dried nuts.
• One (1) ice box, stocked full of ice and drinks.
• Three (3) bottles of chilled water.
• twenty (20) cans of carbonated drink.
• Three (3) destroyed mobile phones of unknown origin.
• Five (5) ruined cameras of varying quality and brand, data extracted from cameras is too damaged to read.
• Forty Five (45) scraps of paper, various symbols, ranging from occult to mathematical had been haphazardly scrawled on them in black ink
• Three (3) ballpoint pens, black.
• One (1) rusted folding knife.
• Various clothing items.
All items, excluding the folding knife (impounded under item code ███-██ in lockup) were returned to SCP-997 upon successful integration to containment cell. Subject has since requested:
• Various food and drinks (approved)
• Blank paper (approved)
• Pens/pencils (approved under supervision)
• Knife (denied)
• Laptop computer (denied)
• Books (approved)
• Additional clothing (pending approval)
Quote from Dr. Adrian █████:, "My relationship with SCP-997 is not one which I will discuss, I have made him a promise, and I will not break it. SCP-997 is a human being and I will treat him as such." Dr. Adrian █████ then gave no further information on the subject, even when threatened with demotion. Demotion of Dr. Adrian █████ Pending approval.
Report on SCP-997 from Dr. Malcolm ███: "We tried taking his mask away again today, this time he emitted a loud screech which caused severe migraines and temporary blindness for all personnel within ten metres. Subject was later subdued several feet from the holding cell."
Memo regarding SCP-997: "I don't care how you do it, just keep the blasted thing away from the lower research labs! It's last little "stroll" cost us three hard drives and several years worth of research! If this happens again I will be submitting a request to be relocated to an offsite containment area, Make sure Dr █████ knows this, I know he and that thing have a sort of relationship. If he can't get through to it then it's out, moral tidings be damned."

SCP-695 is nourished with Substance SCP-695-β. However, if SCP-695 is able to come into physical contact with a human subject (as was the case during Incident SCP-695-A), SCP-695 will grasp the human subject, draw the subject to its mouth, and draw nourishment directly from the subject through mastication.

Item #: SCP-726

Object Class: Euclid


Description: SCP-726 Is a powerful entity with almost memetic quality's. When knowledge of 726 is gained, the person is often stalked by it and by servants, who were some of those who were stalked in the past. While being stalked, many have fallen ill, or succumbed to paranoia. Eventually the victims are either killed, turned into servants, or [DATA REDACTED] SCP-726 seems to cause distortion on electronic recording devices when near. It was first brought to the foundations attention in ████ as an urban legend on an internet forum called █████████ █████ as ███ ██████ ███. He is described as [DATA REDACTED] and wearing a suit.

Item #: SCP-832

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-832 is harmless as long as kept away from skin and electrical applications, even a zip lock bag has been noted to protect effectively from SCP-832's abnormal 'over charge'.


A1- Found by accident 12 times before recovery it is simply a ring made out of bronze. There is no visible differences in the ring other than a "H.T" marked on the inside of SCP-832. They are assumed to be initials but there is not enough information to know what the name would be and if the owner is even still alive. The ring seems to react differently depending on the mental state of the wearer when they first put it on and what they are thinking about to some degree, then amplifying that emotion into a abnormal rage, along with either boosting their own abilities or giving them a power. Details of each test to be included in R.R.T file 03

B1- Red/Anger- Super human Strength, the test subject who was used for this was able to lift a 3 ton car without harming themselves.
Blue/Bored- The subject tested suddenly wished to get rid of their boredom to a disturbing degree, murdering the scientist who was with him at the time, as well as 2 guards before he was killed, the test subject who put on SCP-832 seemed faster, and the test subjects blood stayed blue for about three minutes after he had died before finally turning red.

Blue/Bored The subject tested suddenly wished to get rid of their boredom to a disturbing degree, murdering the scientist who was with him at the time, Dr █████ as well as 2 D class guards before he was killed, the test subject who put on SCP-832 seemed faster, and his blood was noticed to have been blue for about three minutes after he had died before finally turning red.

White/Hungry- Originally a test on "Happy" the test subject when first putting on SCP-832 announced being "fuckin' hungry" then attempting to eat the desk that he pulled SCP-832 off. The test subject's teeth became "shark" and easily ripped through the stainless steel table. The test subject's blood was tested as inspiration from the blue blood of the last test, and it was in fact white for exactly three minutes outside of the body, the blood inside the test subject returned to its normal shade in a half hour.
Green/Sick- Inspired by the oddity of the failed "Happy" test a sick person who was instructed to think of their sickness was given the SCP-832 at which point, they started to swell, and before the ring could be removed they exploded, their bones shattering and impaling the all around them.

Green/Sick- Inspired by the oddity of the failed "Happy" test a "sick" subject who was instructed to think of their sickness, which was a minor flu, was given the SCP-832 at which point, they started to swell, and before the ring could be removed they exploded, their bones shattering and impaling the area around them.

[Orange/Drunk, Pink/Happy, and Black/Insane as well other test noted on R.R.T file 03]

A2- At [DATA EXPUNGED] a large collection of families were attempting a search and rescue [DATA EXPUNGED] A mother was reported for the murder of seven children [DATA EXPUNGED] A gas explosion caught the local population, killing half the residence. In short, SCP-832 seems to have a long bloody history in the 2 years SCP has been aware of it and attempting to find it. As a noted oddity it seems that before the wearer "overloads" they will try to return to the original beach where the ring was found.

A3-While it is believed more than 12 people have been subject to the power of SCP-832 as the location after excavating appears to have several bone fragments, the quality's of SCP-832 make it hard to know if they were to one or more people.

R.R.T file 03 [Data not yet compiled.]

Current appearance

Item #: SCP-857

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Impossible. For convenience's sake, the physical object suspected of manifesting SCP-857 is to be stored on a shelf in a locked glass-fronted cabinet in Dr. █████'s office in Site-████. A web-cam is to be trained on SCP-857 at all times, monitored by security personnel (or anybody else who feels like it). Even this minimal level of security is likely useless in terms of containing it. Regardless, it needs to be observed with something approaching reverence at all times in a probably futile attempt to prevent it leaving the facility. When Dr. █████'s office is not in use, personnel may make use of it to directly observe SCP-857 as opposed to relying upon the webcam. Individuals who fall into obsession concerning SCP-857 need to be reminded of the spiritual nature of approaching it - a Quest, so to speak. If unsure, check with an alchemist.

Anyone wishing to make use of the object suspected of being SCP-857 for either research, religious or personal reasons will apply through [redacted]. Religious groups should be scheduled on different days in order to avoid conflict. If a group is large, the cabinet may be rolled to a room of sufficient seating capacity, then returned to Dr. █████'s office upon completion of activities. Note that SCP-857 must be observed at all times (see above) to prevent its migration to another physical object. If an observer begins to behave oddly, becomes ill, explodes or otherwise manifests unsavory effects to exposure to SCP-857, he or his remains should be removed to the nearest medical facility for physical (and if appropriate) psychiatric evaluation. Termination is unnecessary as if this was warranted, it would already have occurred. For this reason, keep SCP-857 well away from SCP-293.

If anyone, SCP personnel or otherwise, reaches the conclusion that a different physical object now manifests SCP-857, this is to be confirmed using Procedure 857-032 and the new SCP-857 should replace it. The old SCP-857 may be discarded, kept for research or memorabilia, or donated to a requesting religious (or not) group. A log (Addendum 857-01) will be maintained of its various manifestations.

Description: SCP-857's descriptions come down to us over the millenia from a variety of sources, primarily literary with a religious bent. No two descriptions match. This had baffled scholars for generations until it was discovered that SCP-857 is not an object per se but a Jungian archetype made real. SCP-857-ness is mutable and transfers between physical objects, hence the drastic divergence of opinion as to its appearance, behavior and location. There are several physical objects with current claims to be SCP-857, having previously shown behavior resembling it. Some of them may very well have manifested SCP-857 at some time or another. There is no evidence one way or another that they could not be SCP-857 in the future. (Note - English lacks many parts of speech useful for this style of discussion and few SCP employees know sufficient Greek or Aramaic for discussion in those languages to be helpful)

The manifestation of SCP-857 is not limited to any one specific object, merely a single object at a time (as far as can be ascertained). This tends to be an object used for imbibing liquid or dispensing food, current to the time, place and circumstances. This can be as ornate as a bejewelled goblet and as simple as a stone cup. This is not a hard-and-fast rule as it could manifest as a dish, plate, cauldron or stone or even further afield such as a pillar of fire, burning bush or bright, laser-like white light. Researcher [REDACTED] claims to have observed it in this specific manifestation in Grade 9 science class. Her sanity is under debate.

It is fairly widely held that the first manifestation of SCP-857 was the shared cup used by the historical religious figure Jesus Christ and his disciples at the Last Supper. This was possibly hosted by Joseph of Arimathea, thus making him the original owner of the original object manifested as SCP-857. It is also somewhat held that this cup was also present at the crucifixion of said Jesus Christ and was used to collect blood and water emanating from a wound caused by the Spear of Longinus (not currently in SCP's possession but displayed in Hofburg Museum in Vienna, Austria). It is held by some that this or a ritual at the Last Supper may have been the event creating SCP-857. Given that it appears to be a Jungian archetype, it is more likely that SCP-857 has always been in existence and this is merely the first (but see below) documented manifestation. (Again, this would make more sense in Greek.)

This view is disputed by those positing earlier manifestations of SCP-857, referencing information from Celtic, Roman, Greek and other sources. Most of these address the positive aspects of SCP-857. It has been compared to or even identified as the "Horn of Plenty", the "Cauldron of Plenty of Dagda and the Tribe of Anu", and the "Holy Grail" a source of healing and rebirth (both physical and spiritual). Note that the Philosopher's Stone, (see SCP-349) while having similar characteristics, is a different, immutable object. Drinking from the cup, if that is how it is manifested, may cure disease and/or grant immortality (note the dark side below - it is suspected that the Fisher King may have been granted the latter without the former), or merely dispense or render safe or palatable sufficient foodstuff and/or drink to those nearby requiring it. It may be necessary to prime the pump to enable the desired effect. WARNING - under no circumstances use blood or blood by-products

Few descriptions of SCP-857 address its dark side (it would hardly be a Jungian archetype without its shadow). An attempt to use SCP-857 for worldly, nefarious or even trivial purposes can be deadly, hence its Euclid classification. At best its effects in this vein can be described as "be careful what you wish for", "may you live an 'interesting' life" (that being a curse) and at worst wholesale destruction of cities civilizations , entire planets or stars . The depiction in the movie [REDACTED] while wildly inaccurate, may serve as a cogent warning.

SCP-857 tends to manifest itself where it is needed, bound by few or no constraints (other than unity). The fact that it appears to remain at the Site-████ facility begs questions too philosophical to address here, whether it be blessing or blessing in disguise.

SCP-857 was discovered on an abandoned cafeteria table in [REDACTED], its previous user having fled, shouting "I'm cured, I'm cured". After a brief struggle, SCP-857 was recovered by Dr. █████ and transported to a secure laboratory for testing. Its original Keter classification was reduced to Euclid more for budgetary reasons than anything else. Rumours that this was done for fear of "pissing it off" are false.

Procedure 857-032: Procedure for identifying current SCP-857

Arrange for observation of SCP-857 by several trained personnel (or anyone else suitable available) either remotely (eg. by webcam) or behind blast-proof shielding. Expose one mildly offensive D-class subject to SCP-857 and observe resulting ill effects (if any). Clean up resulting mess if necessary. Failure here may indicate either an innocuous object, a different SCP-class object, sufficient spirituality in the D-class subject to avoid adverse effects or subject is a thief and apparently immune. Repeat with more offensive subject. Due to sensitivities of both sexes and [REDACTED], avoid using rapists or child molesters for subjects at all costs.

Expose one spiritual subject to SCP-857 and observe results. A positive outcome is about the best we have for proof of manifestation of SCP-857 in the test object. A negative outcome may indicate a different SCP object in play or that the second subject isn't as spiritual as originally thought. Repeat if necessary.

Addendum 857-001: Manifestations since acquisition by SCP

SCP-857 was originally identified following reports of a magical water cooler just inside the entrance to Building-C at Site-████. As word spread, the area became disruptive to the point where it had to be cordoned off at which point rioting broke out. The next person drinking from the water cooler discovered the "magic was gone". A few days later a coffee pot on the third floor began dispensing an elixir that granted perfect attention span and other benefits. The scenario was repeated. The effect spread to other commonplace items including a variety of glasses, coffee cups, and one memorable evening, the New Year's Eve punch bowl. When that was broken in a scuffle, the current SCP-857 was identified, rescued and spirited under guard to a laboratory for testing, then to Dr. █████'s office where it remains.

rating: 0+x

Item #: SCP-2547-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: Due to how widely spread this species has become, containment is impossible. Indeed, as the majority of foundation personnel are examples of SCP-2547-J, any attempt at containment would impair the foundation's ability to contain other SCPs. However, communications between the larger tribes should be monitored at all times; despite occasional flashes of brilliance from individuals either isolated or working in small teams, the majority of the interactions between large groups have been described by senior researcher ██████ as 'mind-blowingly stupid'.

Description: SCP-2547-J is also known as ████ ███████, a bipedal hominid with an unusually large brain proportional to its size.1. A great degree of variety in appearance has been noted between individual specimens, but the greatest difference is the sexual dimorphism between the two subspecies required for sexual reproduction (SCP-2547-J-1 and SCP-2547-J-2), which differ both in appearance and general behavior.

SCP-2547-J-1 is the 'male' subspecies, with coarser skin, more prominent musculature and external reproductive organs. They practically worship physical prowess, with most social interactions based around proving their toughness or strength. Curiously, they also have a habit of exaggerating injury or illness, to the point where they can pretend that a mild disease is actually potentially deadly. The only hypothesis put forward for this seemingly contradictory behavior came from Doctor █████. Her proposal that "they're all just big softies, really" is being considered. Finally, and most puzzlingly, is SCP-2547-J-1's obsession with the size of their genitals. This is thought to be due to a second brain located within the penis, which controls actions to some unknown extent; increased size leads to better information-processing capabilities, enabling those with larger 'brains' to out-think those with smaller 'brains' (research is on-going). These contradictory, illogical, yet nearly universal traits have led to the conclusion by almost all research staff that despite any appearances to the contrary, SCP-2547-J-1 is not an intelligent life form.

SCP-2547-J-2 is the 'female' subspecies, with smoother skin, mammary glands and internal reproductive organs. It has been noted that SCP-2547-J-2 is a species whose primary behavioural characteristics are contradictory. Individuals are usually able to speak at least one language with varying degrees of eloquence, but when interacting with peers, they lapse into a garbled, rapid speech known as gibberish, only comprehensible to other members of SCP-2547-J-2. While most are perfectly capable of rational thought, in social interactions they do not seem to use this capacity, instead relying upon a bizarre and often incomprehensible set of rules which they assume everyone else is aware of. When these rules are broken (almost invariably by members of SCP-2547-J-1), they display a heightened emotional state, and usually shun the individual who broke these rules. Similarly, despite scoring well on most hand-eye coordination tests, the average member of SCP-2547-J-2 is incapable of driving a motor vehicle further than five (5) kilometers without being in at least one (1) car accident, an phenomenon that is known as the 'women driver effect'. All this inexplicable contradictory behavior proves the sole purpose of the existence of SCP-2547-J-2 is to make life for members of SCP-2547-J-1 a living hell.

rating: 0+x

Full Name: Dr. Lothaire B██████ Dumount (LBD)

Occupation: Dr. Dumount is a medical doctor of some reknown. His job is to patch up everyone that is harmed or injured using the best method for healing them. Due to the unique demands of the Foundation he has learned some primate veterinarian skills so that he can heal Dr. Bright. He's not a psychologist but he can recognize psychological problems and send those with them to Dr. Glass. Dr. Dumount should not be informed when his patients are humanoid SCPs. Should he learn that a patient is a SCP it is likely that he will lose his drive to cure the patient, and he will instead focus on exploratory surgery and curing the injuries of Class D personnel.

Security Clearance Level: 3. Note: He is not allowed to requisition SCP-500 except should it be necessary to preserve the lives of command staff.

SCP Files Documented:

  1. SCP-661 Too good to be true salesman
  2. SCP-562 Sentient Worms

SCPs that Dumount has terminated

  1. SCP-010-D "Chills when heated"

SCPs that Dumount has been involved with the termination of

  1. SCP-809-D "Self insert boyfriend for 808"

SCPs that Dumount has assisted with but did not make

  1. SCP-353 Vector

Ideas yet to be used

  1. A damaged spaceship of unknown origin which requires a sentient mind to be linked into the computer to run
  2. The 'dream cycle'
  3. A costume that renders it's wearer invunerable to the environment, but bonds to their skin.
  4. Mechanical Starfish

Psyche Details: Dr. Dumount is an extraordinarily well balanced person for a SCP personnel, though a bit unstable by normal human standards. Dr. Dumount's body language is not representative of his emotions. He gives the impression of careful introspection and deliberation, however he lets his emotions be heard in his tone of voice. He has good control over both. He is often described as 'preacher like' but the man has a 'playful streak'

Dr. Dumount's personal beliefs put class D personnel at higher priority for medical aid then humanoid SCPs. He 'jokes' about wanting to kill all the humanoid SCPs, but he focuses most of his aggressive feelings towards the more dangerous humanoid SCPs and SCPs. He does truly and honestly believe that a humanoid SCP life is worth less then a human life, and a humanoid SCP that puts humans at risk should not be allowed to do so making him a good candidate for carrying out terminations sans remorse.

History: Dr. Dumount was born in the year ████. Dr. Dumount's mother was tragically disabled due to medical malpractice. This lead rather directly to his decision to become a medical doctor. Dr. Dumount was often described as 'a driven young man' during his time in college and in medical school. He finished his residency with strong recommendations and complements on his 'unusual but effective' bedside manner. From there he went on to a strong medical carrier in [Data Redacted]. After a successful carrier and a great deal of fame and recognition he suffered a 'fatal accident' involving [Data Redacted].

The Foundation's medical staff repaired his moderate but non lethal injuries and performed extensive cosmetic surgery to change his appearance. Due to the SCP's in containment the change was near total. The only trait he retains of his original form is his gender and his name. Once he regained consciousness The Foundation then approached him with the possibility of him working for them. He agreed. Now he works healing staff members, training other medical staff and repairing the occasional humanoid SCP.

Post foundation history: Dr. Dumount won the gold in Synchronized terminations along with Dr. Havik

Should Dr. Dumount's loyalty ever waver agents on site are authorized to cripple him and disorient him with further body modification.

More data can be found in [Redacted]

Document 010-7
Dumount's poetry corner

rating: 0+x

heading level 3

Status:Contained, awaiting Dismemberment.
"mortiferum aspectum", meaning deadly gaze in Latin, is a humanoid figure with physical features of a woman, most commonly known worldwide as "Medusa". Medusa is a Greek mythology figure whose hideous appearance turned men into stone. Originally a beautiful women, she was violated by Poseidon in a temple of the goddess Athena, who then punished her by transforming her into an ugly creature ("gorgon") with snakes for hair.


|||| width="300px" ||
||||~ The Common Image of "Medusa" ||

The feminine figure, nicknamed "Mel" by the D-Classes, may look sweet and innocent but you cannot make direct eye contact with the creature unless you would like to end up like D-303 (Read CLEAN UP IV Document)

rating: 0+x

heading level 3

The following is from a live audio feed from site 017 of which "Mel" is kept
Dr Calcam and D-303 are speaking on the feed

D-303 is a middle sized weight, tall height and a African American Male.

D-303 enter's through rear door

D-303: Hello, "Mel", I think that's your nickname anyway.
"Mel" turn's to directly face D-303
D-303 screams in agony
Dr Calcam: Whats wrong D-303?
D-303 continues to scream in agony, video footage records D-303's skin blistering, blood pores through every part of his body
D-303 "bursts" into a pool of blood
The A.C.T Team enter Site 017 and open fire upon "Mel"
The entire A.C.T Team suddenly burst into [DATA EXPUNGED]

The following was sent to me via site pm:
While reading SCP-420-J ( I found a link to SCP-732 ( this SCP is written in, well the best way I can put it is "troll language". -A language that anyone who has spent sufficient amounts of time on 4chan (Particularly on /b/). I am not sure whether the creator is a bad writer, it was meant as a SCP-J, or we have a troll on our hands. in any case it should be cleaned up, if you wish than I can clean it up or you may decide what to do with this SCP.
All the best,

thanks man but it really fucks me up and i'm bad off as it is with real life but thats not you guys i just need some actual critisism instead of just
I am a human being and i habe the capability to write better than anyonje this site has seen before i am just REALLY bad with the format and the buttons and the coding there is no simple step by step guide to adding in the essentials such as a module and a picture and headings and then worry about the content that would be awesome if such sa thing existed

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-720 is to be contained within a cylindrical pod filled with room temperature water. The pod is to be 1 meter in height and 0.3 meters in diameter. A daily check from a D-Class personnel is to be made to insure the pod is in good shape and that all of the systems of said pod are online.

The pod itself should be contained within a one meter by one meter by one meter room with metal walls and a metal door with locks that must be secure before leaving the vicinity of the room.

Description: SCP-720 is a small, anomalous organism that has eight thin, slimy appendages that are strong enough to grip anything with such force that it will not fall away. It also has a tail that is approximately three meters in length that can wrap around any object that are capable of being grabbed.

SCP-720 also has two flabby pads that contain a substance that has been yet to be identified due to safety protocols and laws. It is speculated that these two flaps aid the organism in its reproduction process. In the middle of its underside is a small gash where a sort of proboscis, can protrude and retract at its own leisure.

Experiment-720-023-7/18/20[REDACTED]: Incident-720-023-01: Male Caucasian, 25. Test subject was D-Class personnel 0237 from [DATA EXPUNGED]. Test subject was viewed to be pounced upon by SCP-720-a. It is to be reported that D-0237 did not put up resistance against the organism. SCP-720 latched to D-0237’s face. Ten hours of half-hourly check-ups on D-0237, who immediately underwent unconsciousness when SCP-720-a attacked him. When ten hours passed, SCP-720-a seemed to lose all vital signs and slip off of D-0237’s face without forced unlatching. D-0237 soon regained consciousness and remained with perfect vital signs for approximately 3.5 hours before D-0237 reported having major rupturing and extreme pain within his torso and abdominal regions. A medical team G-333 was dispatched to D-0237’s aid. They arrived only when D-0237’s abdominal region’s skin began to protrude very abnormally until it eventually exploded. A small worm-like animal baring a full set of teeth but with no eyes or nose appeared where D-0237’s stomach was supposed to be. The tiny anomalous species wiped out all of G-333 before they could react with proper protocol and training.

Update on Experiment-720-023-7/24/20[REDACTED]: The following is a voice recording from Agent Wells, who was put in charge of filing an incident report for the testing and researching event of SCP-720-a:

"Agent Wells reporting. Incident report for experiment dash seven twenty dash zero twenty-three dash seven slash twenty-four slash twenty eleven. Time of the beginning of the experiment is ten forty-two in the morning and lasted until around eight o'clock at night until incidents began to rise. First incident was D dash zero two three seven after nearly half of a day unconscious. Medical team G dash three three three, which contained four level three personnel, were also wiped out soon after D dash zero two three seven was deceased. Three more militarily trained, level three personnel entered the confinement in which G dash three three three was deceased. Two of the three military personnel were killed before the abnormal organism was destroyed. Sum of deaths is seven. *Heavy breathing* My goodness. Inhumane in every way. Seven people killed. I hope you people with level five clearance know what you have done, and I hope you are able to live with yourselves after killing off six able bodied personnel and a prisoner. I hope you know what you all were doing, because you have cost seven men their lives, you insipid, demented, puny-

NOTE: Agent Wells, due to his heated mood during the voice recording of his incident report, was placed in solitary confinement for 48 hours with three meals both of the days. Dr. [DATA EXPUNGED]

Orientation for Keter duty

Orientation for keter duty:
Welcome ladies and gentilmen, for those of you who dont know who i am, i am Dr.Spades take a seat and we will begin shortlyyou all know why your here, to secure contain and protect the world. After this seminar you will go on to guard and be only a few meters away from the most dangerous things on the entire known universe, some of you will have the luxury of being in a site. Some of you will be out in the middle of bumfucknowheristan guarding a meteor. Others will be attempting to keep a unkillable raging monster miles underground.All of you will be keeping and safeguarding the entire human race from things that can potentioally kill every living breathing human on the face of the earth. Some of you may have done this seminar before, you may have been stationed with an object so horrible that you decided you need amnisiacs to forget about the hellish nightmare you lived through. You will never know, its above your paygrade to think about who has done what and forgot what. You will need to mentally prepare yourselves for the worst of the worst,then you still wont be ready for keter duty. Statisically, 95% of personel on keter request for amnisacs and memory implantation after service. Also, many of you maynot even get that luxury, 27% of you will die from this… It may not seem high but in terms of 12,000 personel on keter duty that means 3,240 of them will not live through duty, thats more than the population of nebraska-chuckles- ofcourse 12,000 isnt the actuall number, only 13 people in the world know the real number.You will have to be on your widest awake and alertness even when asleep, and then you will still die. You all appear a bit un at ease now, good, this is what you need to feel every hour of every minute while on duty for containing those horrific entities. This is the most dangerous job in the entire world, remember that, THAT YOU ARE AROUNDTHE MOST DANGEROUS FUCKING THINGS IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. THEY WILL NOT HESITATE TO USE YOUR BONES AS TOOTHPICKS OR MAKE YOU CUT YOUR OWN BODY APPART. THIS IS THE HARDEST OBJECTIVE FOR ANY PERSON IN THE WORLD, nobody will thank you, nobody knows you exist, you people will become the literal defenition of a silent hero.

Congradulations, your now ready for keter duty. Goodluck.

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: No known containment has been available up to this date. From the first sightings of SCP-1908 in [DATA EXPUNGED] there has been no ways of stopping, containing, or even properly controlling SCP-1908, or even possible to conduct tests on the containment of SCP-1908.

Description: SCP-1908 has been described as simply a glass box, its size can varying and correlates from the time and date of the year. It has been commonly referred to as the “container” which has so far only gone as far as being an urban legend. It has the ability similar to SCP-106, however remarks no moulds similar to SCP-106, and can pass through any objects without deterring it. The rate at which SCP-1908 shrinks is still in question, however it has been recorded that SCP-1908’s speed of shrink can vary from time to time. It has been recorded that there are no ways of properly breaking SCP-1908, however gunfire has been able to crack the glass of the box.
Rumours of SCP-1908 started to arise to the Foundation in [DATA EXPUNGED] however there no solid evidence such an item existed as no recordings was ever sited. Few news reports had been listed subjecting SCP-1908 as a [DATA EXPUNGED], however it appears that no footage was ever revealed showing SCP-1908

The awareness of SCP-1908 began to rise as low level police investigations began to take place in Brazil, around the streets of [DATA EXPUNGED] and later on in New Zealand, around [DATA EXPUNGED]. Both the foundation and other groups such as [DATA EXPUNGED] searched the apartment in Brazil which SCP-1908 was reported to surround and enter a random house in the street, regardless of the law which restricts objects passing each other. The evidence was not solid that such an object existed, however one person always went missing after SCP disappeared.
In New Zealand, SCP-1908 had become even less noticeable, however the victims [DATA EXPUNGED] happened to notice a strange glass box of a red substance, without realising what it could’ve been, and at first suspected that the victim had been related to a new variety of drug smuggling. When the foundation had been sent there, the glass box had been reduced to no more than the height of a garden pea, with little red that had been described left in the box. Before there could be any photos of SCP-1908, the glass box had disappeared.
However, the most intriguing of all collisions with the investigation of SCP-1908 came from within the foundation itself, on [DATA EXPUNGED] when a Class D-923 Personnel hadn’t been able to move forward, and described that he was unable to move out of the perimeter. (See Addendum-1908-A for a written recording of SCP-1908’s killing.)

On [DATA EXPUNGED] a group of class D personnel surrounded Class D-923 who couldn’t seem to move into his office. There had been a few other suspected methods for why he couldn’t move, mainly a few suspected that an SCP had gotten loose, but then there were no alarms that had gone off, so that was ruled out.

Class D-923 began to say he felt like a goldfish in a box, many of us had laughed at the remark, but to be honest I can see what he meant, we all would’ve. The availability of movement for him was becoming more and more restricted, until it had been reduced to only about two square meters. We’d noticed Class D-923 had begun crouching all of a sudden. Many of us had suspected the worse already, but we didn’t know what that was. How many of us really knew SCP-1908? Wasn’t like there were any recordings back then.

A security force had come down to try see if they could do something about it. It was figured that if Class D-923 could see the glass box, what would stop them from trying to shoot it open. Even if it still didn’t make a difference, they’d even considered shooting the poor guy as he would be suffering his way to heaven before he’d even be dead. But it was no use. All that had happened was revealing a couple of cracks, the glass itself had become more visible due to this, but no bullets had penetrated the box. Come to think of it, none of them were still there.
So all we could do was watch really. Even some of the higher staff came along. It was like a funeral really, I just wish that we couldn’t help him. Many of us closed our eyes and prayed for him. I don’t think many of us in the foundation tend to be Theist’s, but any chance of this guy doing alright would’ve warmed us up. A few photos were taken of when SCP-1908 had turned Class D-923 into nothing more but his own crushed blood and bone, and then it was simply gone.

Since Addendum-1908-A has taken place, all foundation staff has been given awareness of SCP-1908, and a moment of silence has been scheduled on [DATA EXPUNGED] for Class D-923. So far, research is on-going for any theories on how to destroy or even contain SCP-1908.


Interview: Researcher David Eskobar/O5-█

Portion of interview between O5-█ and Junior Researcher David Eskobar


O5-█: How the hell did you do that?

Eskobar: It's a matter of prestige.

O5-█: Am I to understand that you violated Foundation security, broke into secure containment for a Euclid-class SCP, and deliberately exposed yourself to infection, four weeks before one of the worst Site breaches in decades, and got rid of the evidence, in an attempt to secure prestige? How did you even think you'd get away with it, let alone be praised for it?

Eskobar: No, sir, I'm not making myself clear. You asked how I got into containment, not why.

O5-█: Go on.

Eskobar: I'm telling you, some of the current protocols for containment are sloppy about selection for armed guards. Guards find out what they're guarding far too easily, and they talk to one another. They might not admit it, but no matter how much they want to live and go home to their families afterward, they also want the feeling of self-respect that comes out of a really challenging job.

O5-█: How does this relate to your containment break?

Eskobar: When the guards are watching over the security tapes for a non-threatening Scip, a few bucks gets them to walk away. Likewise, when they end up guarding some poor schmuck stuck gibbering to himself in a room, it bums them out. They don't feel badass enough. So it's not hard to get them to slip away for half an hour with the cute researcher from the next floor up.

O5-█: And half an hour with SCP-868 was all you needed.

Eskobar: Actually, given my age, I probably could have gone with less.

O5-█: How much of what followed had you planned?

Eskobar: It was pure coincidence that I experimented with learning Arabic. It was pure coincidence that the breach came right when Stage Two was kicking in for me. After the explosions, I was pretty sure of what I was doing.

Visual Transcript of SCP-275 Containment Chamber (microphone disabled)

0930: Researcher Eskobar enters SCP-275 containment via subterranean elevator. 275 is engaged in prayer.

0930-0950: Eskobar and SCP-275 converse. Eskobar gesticulates wildly, pointing at the ceiling. 275 weeps repeatedly at various points.

0955: SCP-275 breaches containment with Researcher Eskobar.

Interview cont. (2:30-4:00)

O5-█: What did you say to her? (Interviewer has noted that the researcher has been “smirking” throughout interview. Smirking stops.)

Eskobar: Nothing I'm proud of. I feel like shit, if it helps.

O5-█: For the record, Eskobar. You're in enough trouble as it is.

Eskobar: I could care less about your consequences. I don't even want to know what I unleashed with what I said to her. Who knows how long she'll need therapy.

O5-█: I am ordering you to repeat, for the record, what you said to SCP-275!

Eskobar: What do you think? What the hell do you think I said to her? I told her that the Foundation was the closest thing to protected ground as she would find. I told her the enemies of Allah were at the gates, that that almighty God has called upon her to serve as His lieutenant, and she would be damned to hell if she disobeyed. I recited all of the bullshit Qu'ranic interpretations of ji'had as literal holy war against the infidel, and told her if mere mortals could immolate and destroy themselves in His name, surely she could do the same, as it would be no sacrifice to her. I said some other things, I don't remember what. She did whatever I told her after that.

O5-█: And that was your plan?

Eskobar: No, my plan was to bust 912 out of containment. I wouldn't feel like shit about using an inanimate object as a slave. But someone had gotten there first.

O5-█: And what was your plan after you secured 275?

Eskobar: Oh, you know the drill, sir. Secure, contain, protect.

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